In one of my very first blog posts here on a barefoot bride, I shared my struggles with meeting my self imposed standards of perfection. It felt so good to be so honest with myself and with others – even though I didn’t have any readers yet. =)
But I still have to change. I’m still just me. – A young wife and mom. – little time or freedom to pursue the hobbies that I love – just barefooted in my tiny little apartment… and I feel pathetic.
Part of me wonders if I started this blog to try and prove to myself that my life could look and be as glamorous and beautiful as the lives of the bloggers I follow regularly.
But that’s not quite it.
I’ve been fighting postpartum depression (PPD) for the past couple of months. Quite honestly, I thought I was in the clear and wouldn’t struggle with PPD, because after Vivian was born I felt just fine! Aside from being exhausted of course. =) But around 4-5 months postpartum, I sunk. – And I sunk deep.
At first I didn’t know what hit me. I was just tired, I thought. – I was upset by some personal things that were going on in my life, and I was just tired and hurting. Many days I would lay in bed and cry, and I didn’t want to get up.
But it’s been almost 3 months now, and I’m still in a daily battle between sinking and giving up – laying in bed, on the verge of angry with anything and everything that is out of my control, and feeling nothing but the slow steady dullness that used to be my beating heart. Versus getting up and forcing my way through the motions until I feel something again.
This blog has now become one way that I have been trying to motivate myself. to take my mind off of myself and focus on the success each day can hold for me.
My life isn’t put together, and to be honest that isn’t always okay with me.
Then I’m reminded that this isn’t ultimately my life to do with as I please.
Deep down past all of the stress, numbness and feelings of failure and insecurity, I truly desire to do something big with these years that God has blessed me with. I want to see this time in my life as the blessing that they are. I want to be joyful. I want to help other people. I want to be content.
The other day I was especially broken – I was again turning to chocolate and the warmth of my bed for comfort and joy (pitiful, right?) – and I had little motivation to turn anywhere else. When my sweet husband reminded me that when I feel as though I have to figure everything out and be perfect (or at least getting there), that I’m deceiving myself. – I’m buying into the lie that I even CAN become better without relying on Christ.
“He died so that you don’t have to be perfect to be holy – and because without his sacrifice, you never could. Don’t take that away from him.”
I can hear God knocking at the door of my heart.
He wants me to climb out of the covers and into His arms.
It’s a struggle – I wrestle with my feelings and lack thereof. I’ve found myself saying “I’ll be there in a minute, let me get over this hump first.”, “Let me get organized first. – That might be my problem.”, “Let me finish what I started – that might just be what I need.” and while I’m spinning my wheels and getting nowhere, he keeps knocking.
Even as I write this, the wheels in my mind are still spinning – “maybe if I vollunteered at a shelter, I would feel more alive.”, “Maybe if I went on a mission trip again, I could really get in touch with God again.”. But is that really what God is asking of me?
And I know that.
Those things are great, don’t get me wrong! But the motivation would still be impure. I dont have to make some big gesture of sacrifice in order to be accepted as I am. He already did that.
It’s always going to be one thing after the other that needs to be scrubbed or sorted or minimized or grown or improved, but when I wake up each morning, I need to remind myself that I truly don’t have to hide the mess from the one who loves me the most – just as I am. And I shouldn’t even want to. Why do I always think that I do?
He wants to come into my life on a daily basis and help me over the hump, help me organize and help me finish what I started.
I don’t have it all figured out, and most days that isn’t okay with me.
But we aren’t called to have it all figured out.
We aren’t even called to try and figure it out.
I’m still in a pit.
But I don’t have to get out of it in order to get back to God. He’s already climbed in with me and offered to lift me out.
What have I been waiting for?