I am a lazy perfectionist. You could look in our home and you would never know it… you could look at the barely started projects shoved in a dark corner and you still wouldn’t guess! …. well…. honestly you would definitely guess the lazy part. But perfectionist? notsomuch. Yet I have this driving expectation of myself to do things perfectly. To exceed in everything above and beyond my wildest hopes. To be perfect.
But most of all, to live, think and feel, perfect.
That’s why I stink at blogging. (yes this is probably the 3rd blog I’ve started and never pursued) Because I want to be honest, I want to be smart and funny, and I want everything I write to fit perfectly together even years down the road.
Bradley (my sweet hubby) has been pointing out to me recently that when Vivi starts crying, I unravel… When she doesn’t want anything I can offer her, and she is still upset…. my mind freezes, and my laid back personality goes to you-know-where.
I like to be in control. I like for things to go perfectly. and when it doesn’t, or when I feel out of control, I get stuck.
Now I really don’t want to turn this into a sermon…. because I don’t have this figured out! But in the past few days I’ve been slowly realizing that I’ve been unraveling in my relationship with God as well. When I mess up – when I sin – yes I feel horrible about it, and yes I know that God forgives me, but do I really “get” that? More often than not I get stuck. I won’t let myself progress knowing that God is sovereign and He has made me white as snow in spite of myself…. instead I spot clean. For months I have dabbed at my perceived stains as though if He were to see me like this, he wouldn’t love me as much as before…. and I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know how to get past this pattern, and hand myself over to Him, but I know that I need to…. Because no matter how hard I try to scrub away my cracks and stains, I know that He has already made me whole and beautiful. And no matter how hard I try to be… He is the only one who will ever be truly perfect.